“I know that pain…” An open letter to Simon.

Dear Simon,

I read your latest blog and was extrememly moved… You see, I know that pain.

My wife and I struggled for years, unsuccessfully trying to have a family. We came to marriage late, so we were already late to parenting. And while all and everyone around us, to us anyway, seemed to be breeding like rabbits, we were without and it began to look as though we would remain that way. As “The man” my primary role was cheerleading for my wife, who all her life was going to be a mom, right? Well, maybe not.

So we spent years… We went through all the increasingly invasive interventions until we were both fully immersed in the life of reproductive lab rats and still getting nowhere. When finally, we were resolved that in spite of all “our planning” God may in fact have a different path for us, He relented and Herself became pregnant. Our surprise and joy was unmatched… until around 14 weeks, it was decided that there was no life there after all… blighted ovum.

Needless to say, Herself was destroyed (as was I), but as “the man” my role was to be cheerleader for my wife, who all her life was going to be a mom, right? And yet, in the stillness of the long nights, when no one was awake except me and that not so small voice within me, I was in great unspoken pain and had no recourse except to lay still until the light returned. As things go, we became adjusted to what we referred to as life-long daters, not parents. We’d travel freely and do as we pleased. We were two young professionals with careers who had a bright future in front of us, yet to write or seen written. Time passed…

And then, out of the blue, Herself once more took on the attributes of change and mystery that accompany what I now know, as only a long-time partner can know, the trappings of a woman preparing and carrying another life within. Yes, She… well, we were once again with child — completely unexpected and according to most, not really possible, let alone likely. You see, the earlier pregnancy that ended in such great sadness was actually His way, he who knows us all, of telling us that everything would work; just not in our time but His. And it did…

Fast forward twenty-one years now and I see a son who is in training for a career as a nurse and a daughter who is readying to complete her high school journey and move along to a whole new world where she aspires to be a Veterinarian… You see, my pain and my loss was but a setback on the road to what He had already setup. It has been a fast and furious twenty-one years, but here we are.

And yet, I will tell you that I do not have an answer to the voice that spoke so loudly to me in the stillness of those dark nights where I, as “the man,” did not know what to do… because it was not my place to grieve, but to support; right? I know that is not true, but I do not yet know how to advise anyone else on what that truth looks like. It is on that list I call my “what was that all about” that is reserved for when He brings me home and we can know what we cannot now, but know through faith is true.  Until then, all I can offer is to sit quietly with you and know that pain…

God bless you… and your wife… and the wonderful gift you call family.  May He who sees us all give you peace.